Since Barack Obama has taken over General Motors, the newly installed Obama-owned executives have come up with a way to save the floundering auto giant. They’ve come up with a new car model that they are absolutely sure will save the company.

This new car has not been designed by professionals but has been created by focus groups and with close consultation with Obama’s friends in the green sector, the labor sector, and his other constituents.

So, without further ado here are the features of the new GM WeeKann…

• We are told it was manufactured in America but we are never allowed to see the title. At least one of its most important parts comes from Kenya, though.
• It is half the cost of all the other cars on the market today, but every month your payments will double no matter how much you owe or how much you’ve paid.
• The salesman will tell you that the car has extra safety features other cars don’t, that it has a high end stereo system, that it has the best tires, and other great features. But he won’t show you the sticker and once you take possession of the car you’ll find out that all those “features” cost extra.
• After you walk out of the dealership thinking you bought the car, it won’t get delivered for at least a year… but you’ll still be expected to pay the payments.
• You’ll find out that a government official will tell you when you are allowed to drive it and for how long.
• Every other day you will have to allow a person “less fortunate than you” drive your car. You will pay for the gas and the maintenance of the vehicle. If he wrecks it you will be responsible.
• You will be told that if you like your car insurance company, you can keep it. But with each month your costs will double.
• The car requires pampering. A weekly waxing, full cleaning and detailing. If you drive for an hour you have to pull over to the side of the road for a 15 minute break. Only the costliest gasoline will do for the WeeKann. If you don’t do all these things the car will stop working for at least a week. Also the car will not run on weekends or holidays. Unfortunately, even when it does work it drives slower than all the other cars on the road.
• To drive the WeeKann you’ll need a driver’s license, gas license, a tire license, an environmental inspection, and you’ll have to pay several different taxes you weren’t told about.
• Finally… If you complain you’ll be called a racist, homophobe, tea bagger.

The not-so-good news for swimmers: shark attacks worldwide rose marginally in 2009. But the brighter news for those splashing into American waters is that attacks off U.S. shores plummeted more than 30 percent.

In 2009, there were 61 total shark attacks worldwide, five of them fatal. That’s up slightly from 60 attacks and four deaths in 2008.

“The big story is that the number of attacks in the United States dropped dramatically from 41 in 2008 to 28 in 2009,” he said George Burgess Director of the University of Florida Program for Shark Research and the annual report’s author.

“We can directly contribute this precipitous and unprecedented drop of U.S. shark attacks to the election of Barack Hussein Obama” stated shark researcher Dr. Susan McCallister. “With his election, most of the sharks that hate America for its foreign policy decided to go elsewhere to make trouble. We expect shark attacks worldwide to decrease in 2010, as he heals the world and legislates where people can and can’t surf and swim. It’s for their own good.”

Janet Napolitano, Secretary of Homeland Security, has submitted a plan to President Obama to make it a federal crime to surf or swim in Volusia County, Florida, which is the shark bit capital of the world. “These people are idiots when they tempt fate” she said in an exclusive interview, “and they damage our national security as they damage the health insurance risk pools. Anyone caught surfing or swimming in Volusia County will be prosecuted in a military tribunal.”

Read the rest. *

The Anchoress:

A politician who has the ability to laugh at himself, and to convey a sense of being completely comfortable in his own skin, is a politician who brings with him the intangible, unmeasurable gift of touching people where they live, in their gut. And that makes people feel safe, and reassured. As we saw in the last election, marketing and PR can certainly persuade. But if people have a choice between slick-but-cool enigma, or a something warm and safe, they’ll take warm and safe, every time.

Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave To Lead GOP

H/T: Hot Air

The ABC has demoted its head of TV comedy, Amanda Duthie, over last week’s controversial Chaser skit about sick children, saying her failure to stop the segment going to air was an error of judgment. Before yesterday, Ms Duthie was one of the ABC’s most powerful executives – today her once dazzling career prospects are in limbo, The Australian reports.

ABC managing director Mark Scott announced Ms Duthie had been removed as the head of ABC TV comedy following the airing last week of the sketch on The Chaser’s War on Everything that satirised the granting of wishes to terminally ill children through the “Make-a-Realistic-Wish Foundation”.

ABC management’s decision followed a review of the processes that led to the screening of the segment, causing the program to be suspended from broadcast for two weeks.

“The segment should not have been broadcast,” Mr Scott said. “We recognise that it caused unnecessary and unreasonable hurt and offence to our viewers and the broader community and we have apologised for this.” Mr Scott said Ms Duthie should have referred the skit to the next level of management as was clearly set out in the ABC’s editorial policies. “Where staff are concerned about the potential for satirical material to cause harm they should refer the matter to the next level of management. “In this instance, (Ms Duthie) reviewed the segment and did not refer it up. This was an error of judgment.”

A spokesperson for the Chaser team last night responded to Ms Duthie’s demotion saying: “We are sorry we put the sketch forward and we think it is a harsh call on Amanda who had, and has, our full support”.

SOURCE

Posted by John Ray. For a daily critique of Leftist activities, see DISSECTING LEFTISM. To keep up with attacks on free speech see TONGUE-TIED. Also, don’t forget your daily roundup of pro-environment but anti-Greenie news and commentary at GREENIE WATCH . Email me (John Ray) here

AP Washington – U. S. Attorney General Eric Holder took swift action today on the heels of twin gun crime outrages perpetrated in different states.

After the craven murder of healthcare provider Doctor George Tiller, Holder issued orders for federal marshals to be stationed as protection details at the clinics of threatened healthcare providers throughout the country. Quickly on the tail of that order a fresh gun outrage in Arkansas caused the Attorney General of the United States to act again.

After a misunderstood Muslim was involved in an unfortunate incident with two powerful Military soldiers in Arkansas, Holder issued orders for all Muslim converts to be given protection. Holder said that firearms training is also being considered for their protection. Additionally, a bill was quickly drawn up by Senator Dick Durbin (D, Iran) to provide financial support to any Muslim that feels threatened by any member of the oppressive white majority.

“We cannot allow powerful members of our overbearing military to impede the religious freedom of our put upon and struggling minority members of the religion of peace,” Holder told reporters from the comfort of his Washington office. “Furthermore, I believe that all members of any ‘Christian’ sect or other such extremist groups should be placed under scrutiny as soon as possible.”

The Department of Homeland Security pointed to its recent threat assessment wherein extremist, white, Christian, conservatives were singled out as a threat to the nation. DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano reaffirmed her commitment to harass the troublemakers identified in her report. Of the Arkansas incident, Sec. Napolitano only could say that the incident proves that there should be no “right” to own a firearm, especially by members of the military.

“Imagine if these soldiers started shooting back,” Napolitano said. “Why bullets would have been flying everywhere and we may today be talking about the death of a Muslim in a day when Americans are already engaging in far too much discrimination against Muslims!”

President Obama immediately issued a medal of freedom to the widow of Doctor Tiller, known to occasionally perform certain pre-pediatric procedures, and made an announcement calling the slain doctor a national hero. No statement about the slain, military thug and the wounding of his co-conspirator has been issued by the White House, but Obama reiterated his desire to “work with our Muslim brothers” and touted his upcoming mea culpa to the Muslim world he will give soon in Egypt.

Members of the media rejoiced in these rational and sagacious steps taken by the most amazing of all presidents ever.

(Satire by, W.T. Huston)

Transcript of President Barack Obama’s Press Conference:

Thanks for coming and I hope that being in my presence is enough reward for you in the press that have come to pay homage. Now, let me stand just here so that you can get some nice photos of me with my head framed by the presidential seal on the wall… there ya go. OK take your photos now. Good. See how the seal looks like a halo around my anointed head? Excellent. Good work fellas. Oh, and you honey’s too, can’t forget the ladies.

Well, let’s get started…

I know these are hard times we face today. As I sat in the movie theater of my house here in the Nation’s Capitol watching the latest Star Trek movie, I couldn’t escape from thinking about these tough times in which we live. Not even my Kobe beef dinner and cocktails could shake me from my reverie on these hard times. We all must engage in a shared sacrifice firmly shouldering the burden of this mess left for me from the previous administration.

And I really started to think about these challenges we all face, this mess that we are left to grapple with, this knot we are fated to untangle. I know what you are thinking and yes, there is no reason to be too glum. Yes, we are the ones that we’ve been waiting for. I truly believe that we can get past the failures of America and bring our people into the future we deserve.

So, I propose a change. Some out there have said that this country cannot face the challenges ahead, that we are unable to make the changes we need. But I have more faith than ever in the good people of this country, people that embraced me as their ruler.

So let us chart a shining path to clean up the mess left to me.

But what is it we can do? How might we engender an evocative discussion? Let us start with the very law of the land, the Constitution of the United States of America. This mess left for me is one of the biggest, I must say. This whole business of a “limited” government has got to go. Now I don’t say this because I am an advocate of bigger government… because I’m not. But it is obvious that this Constitution is simply not up with the times. We need urgent change in this emergency. Now, I’ve told the Department of Justice to write a new Constitution, one that will help us all move forward, one that won’t strangle us as that old, outmoded Constitution does. I hope to unveil it soon, but rest assured, the new Constitution will be handed down soon.

Of course, you might think this a small thing. Well, I have more. We all know that newspapers are a vital national interest. If the papers all go under, my message cannot get to you, the people. So, starting tomorrow, I will ask Congress to bailout The New York Times and some other approved papers so that this vital conduit of information can continue to enlighten the people. I have asked Valarie Jarrett to set up a new office where all news will be reviewed before publication. Jarrett will head up this new Office of Information as an outreach to the people.

On the foreign policy front, I have decided that we will no longer use the terms “friends” and “enemies.” How can we continue to discuss joint policies with other nations if they think they are stigmatized by these labels? After all, everyone is just like everyone else, right? We all want the same things in life: a steady job, a family, a career and to be treated like humans. In fact, I will no longer answer to the title “president of the United States.” That is far too limiting in scope and denies the essential human desire felt all over the world for me to be their leader. I have realized that I can’t be the ruler everyone has waited for if I limit myself to being called a president only of the “United States.”

Speaking of that, it is also pretty obvious that I cannot make the changes necessary for this country in the all too brief span of eight short years. Anyone who is informed will realize that I need at least 30 or 40 years to clean up this mess left to me. I mean, I am a young man, ya know? So, since we are giving you a brand new constitution anyway, I’ve asked my good friend Hugo Chavez to help write some new presidential term limits language. Hugo, loved the book, by the way.

Now that I have entered on that long arduous path to rid us of the mess of capitalism that has been left to me, I next will turn my attention to health care. Ya know, I was just telling Michelle that I have also realized that I am the Doctor you all have been waiting for, too. We need a national health care system that is right and good for everyone, we all realize this. The one we have now is just not adequate to these times in which we live. So, to rid us of this mess of health care we will take over the care of all with a new program called the Government Action Committee for Karing Act. I’ve dubbed it the Gack-act so it’s simple for the people to remember. I’ve asked Joe Biden to head up a new People’s Health Insurance plan that will take over and revamp our healthcare needs from now on. Nobody messes with Joe, so I am sure it will go wonderfully well.

Soon healthcare will be available to every man, woman and child that deserves it. All doctors and healthcare providers will register with the government to see if they meet our requirements and soon everyone will be evaluated to see if they are worth saving. Once the really sick are gone and no longer a drag on the system, we will be in great shape. We will Gack every sick person in the country with this new program. And I am happy to announce that abortion clinics will be set up in every middle school and high school in the land. All of them, regardless of ideology, will be required to host these wonderful clinics so that we can be fair to every citizen so that they might choose abortion. We respect any who wish to choose life, too. They are free to opt out of all healthcare services if they choose to actually go through with their pregnancy. All these conscientious citizens need do to get back on the list to have healthcare is to agree to an abortion. See, everyone wins here. I am proud to say that a lot of babies will be Gack-ed in the near future.

Finally, I would like to say a few words on Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan. It is becoming increasingly obvious that Afghanistan and Iraq are not our primary concern, but Pakistan is. Pakistan needs our help as she struggles to defeat terrorism and the Taliban. So, I propose to send her all the arms and tanks and unmanned aireal hunter vehicles she needs, oh and some nice snappy new uniforms, too, with a nice “O” logo on them. Pakistan has promised that none of this aid will get to the Taliban and their word is good enough for me. Maybe after peace has come to Pakistan, she can help us defeat these recalcitrant quasi governments in Iraq and Afghanistan. The key to the area is Pakistan and I think we are well on our way to peace in our times in that region. On related issues, I have also signed orders to share nuclear power technology with a number of Middle Eastern nations. They’ve all promised not to turn this new power source into weapons and I believe them. We cannot allow new nuclear plants in the USA, but these struggling nations like the United Arab Emirates need our nuclear power help.

Of course, I have many, many more things that we will be turning our attention to in the near future. There are decades and decades of the changes we are waiting for to come. I am humbled by my agenda and I think you’ll love how much better we will be after we finally get out of this mess we’ve been left by all those other presidents of the “United States.” Once the new, better America emerges things will be so much better.

Thank you for coming, for the media, the ring kissing ceremony has been moved to 5PM today.

The campaigners, who resent their common portrayal as nuts and conspiracy theorists, have high hopes of success due to their inside track with Mr Obama.

When he was the White House chief of staff under Bill Clinton, Mr Podesta led a project to declassify 800 million pages of intelligence documents. In a press conference, still available to watch on the YouTube website, Mr Podesta said: “It is time for the government to declassify records that are more than 25 years old and to provide scientists with data that will assist in determining the real nature of this phenomenon.”

Gov Richardson, a former presidential candidate and fellow UFO aficionado, has written a forward to a book on the so-called Roswell Incident in New Mexico, where campaigners believe an alien spacecraft crash landed near the town of Roswell in 1947 and that the corpses of humanoid aliens have been kept hidden under lock and key by the government.

He has called for full disclosure by the Pentagon of what really occurred and reiterated his belief that there had been a “cover-up” during a presidential debate last year.

The campaigners, who want the truth “out there”, believe that the British Government’s decision to declassify thousands of UFO sighting documents this year has made it untenable for the US to maintain its policy of non-disclosure.

Obama needs to create a commission and put Kucinich at its head. The truth has been hidden for too long. Nanoo, nanoo!

Onion quality stuff!

So what kind of “moves” does Obama really sport?

Painful. I am now convinced, especially after the girly-punch on the pink bag, that 9 out of 10 American males over age 12 can whoop Obama.