Attny. Gen. Acts to Protect Endangered Doctors, Misunderstood Muslims

Posted on June 2, 2009

-By Warner Todd Huston

AP Washington – U. S. Attorney General Eric Holder took swift action today on the heels of twin gun crime outrages perpetrated in different states.

After the craven murder of healthcare provider Doctor George Tiller, Holder issued orders for federal marshals to be stationed as protection details at the clinics of threatened healthcare providers throughout the country. Quickly on the tail of that order a fresh gun outrage in Arkansas caused the Attorney General of the United States to act again.

After a misunderstood Muslim was involved in an unfortunate incident with two powerful Military soldiers in Arkansas, Holder issued orders for all Muslim converts to be given protection. Holder said that firearms training is also being considered for their protection. Additionally, a bill was quickly drawn up by Senator Dick Durbin (D, Iran) to provide financial support to any Muslim that feels threatened by any member of the oppressive white majority.

“We cannot allow powerful members of our overbearing military to impede the religious freedom of our put upon and struggling minority members of the religion of peace,” Holder told reporters from the comfort of his Washington office. “Furthermore, I believe that all members of any ‘Christian’ sect or other such extremist groups should be placed under scrutiny as soon as possible.”

The Department of Homeland Security pointed to its recent threat assessment wherein extremist, white, Christian, conservatives were singled out as a threat to the nation. DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano reaffirmed her commitment to harass the troublemakers identified in her report. Of the Arkansas incident, Sec. Napolitano only could say that the incident proves that there should be no “right” to own a firearm, especially by members of the military.

“Imagine if these soldiers started shooting back,” Napolitano said. “Why bullets would have been flying everywhere and we may today be talking about the death of a Muslim in a day when Americans are already engaging in far too much discrimination against Muslims!”

President Obama immediately issued a medal of freedom to the widow of Doctor Tiller, known to occasionally perform certain pre-pediatric procedures, and made an announcement calling the slain doctor a national hero. No statement about the slain, military thug and the wounding of his co-conspirator has been issued by the White House, but Obama reiterated his desire to “work with our Muslim brothers” and touted his upcoming mea culpa to the Muslim world he will give soon in Egypt.

Members of the media rejoiced in these rational and sagacious steps taken by the most amazing of all presidents ever.

(Satire by, W.T. Huston)

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