“Please accept with no obligation, implied or
implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally
conscious, socially responsible, low-stress,
non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the
winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most
enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of
your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with
respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or
traditions of others, or their choice not to practice
religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish
you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and
medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of
the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not
without due respect for the calendars of choice of
other cultures whose contributions to society have
helped make America great.

“Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than
any other country nor the only America in the Western
Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed,
color, age, physical ability, religious faith or
sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting these greetings you are accepting these
terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or
withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no
alteration to the original greeting. It implies no
promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the
wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void
where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole
discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to
perform as expected within the usual application of
good tidings for a period of one year or until the
issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever
comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of
this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole
discretion of the wisher.”

For My Republican Friends:

“Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!”

Merry Christmas. Now leave me the hell alone.